Working Through Grief and Revamping Your Practice

I have taken some time these past months to really allow myself to work through some of the grief of my Mom passing. It has been hard to say the least. Sometimes it's harder being a person who seems to always have it together and composes themself. Not many people get to see the pain I am actually feeling and dealing with. Only a close few see that side of me. I have been born and raised to burn from smolders. To withstand the weight of the world even when it seems unbearable. I give many thanks to that strength of mine but sometimes it makes times like this hard. When you compose your pain so well it gives people the idea that you are perfectly fine. That maybe you can handle even more by adding their problems to the list. You're so composed it makes it easy for people to forget that you went through and are dealing with something tragic. Hell sometimes I feel people even question if I care. I DO... immensely. Maybe its my Capricorn Moon, maybe it was my upbringing. I just work through it in a different way. My emotions still present themselves, just as others, I just feel and express them in a timely manner that allows me space to care for it in my own ways, I don't hold back in those times either. I make sure to give myself space and time to feel and to heal. It just doesn't always look like that to others or happen when people are around... I'm just the type of person that composes myself when feelings hit me at a place or time I'm not able to deal with it. And this seems amazing, who wants to break down in the middle of their work shift... no one. And I don't. I wait until I am in my own space, safe, quiet and at home where I can give myself room to express myself and heal. But this isn't always so easy. I still feel it. I still deal with it. Even though it may not look as so to the people around me at the time. I don't need sympathy or for people to coddle me, I never have, but maybe this will enlighten some out there. Just because some people may not look as if they are struggling... they very well could be dealing with it in their own fashion and on their own time. But that doesn't mean their composure is a solid foundation. Its more of a mask to get them through their day to day life so that they are able to get to a place they feel comfortable in working through their shit. Compassion, understanding, space and time is the key here. Something to keep in mind.

With that being said I have struggled. I have been going through the ups and downs of dealing with my emotions, along with caring for family and helping them through their own. I have an innate ability to care for others. Always putting the ones I love on my radar as I feel their pain. I already know my strength so I feel the need to help build theirs or give them someone to lean on in times like this. They don't expect it from me, I just feel the need. I wouldn't call myself an empath... clairsentient rings more clearly as I feel I have more control over my energy intermingling with theirs. But that is a whole other story for another time. So I have been busy. Busy tending to others while also trying to remember to tend to myself. This gets hard. If you are one of these people, this is your reminder. Stop what you're doing and give yourself a chance to breathe for a second. If you are in the middle of something, as we often are, stop, take 1 minute and breathe with me. In.... and out... pencil in a reminder to set aside time to give yourself a second to let emotions, thoughts. feelings run through you. Set a google reminder, tell Siri, Alexa, whoever and DO IT. For real, Light a candle, grab a journal and some cards and allow whatever needs to flow, flow. Let it work its way through you. Don't hold onto it just let it flow.

That brings me to a point. As all of this unfolded I found myself so damn busy. On the phone, going to work, sometimes both at the same time, family visiting, doing chores, life being life etc etc, all with my emotions running rampid. I was finding myself exhausted by the end of the day. The time of day I usually would set aside for myself and to connect with my craft. But I was just wanting to sleep. Recharge for the next day ahead. Deep down I knew I should spend time with my practice doing the things I love, that bring me comfort and mindfulness... I wanted to... but I was just too damn tired. I found myself drifting away. Each day getting easier to say I didn't NEED to pull cards, journal, light a candle, connect in whatever way I chose to that day. And things always seem to get worse when this happens. Now I'm not saying you need to tend to your craft over getting well needed rest. That's not what I'm pushing at here, but I am saying it is often times easier to forget how much it helps bring us back to self when we stop doing it. It seems like such a small task for it to make such a significant difference in our day to day life. It becomes easier to say "Ehhh I don't really need to do that". The things we used to love doing start to feel like chores. "You gotta do this to feel better. You gotta do that to keep up with your craft" etc etc. plays out in my head. BUT, Your practice should not be a chore. It should be something that brings you joy, creativity, comfort, and a calmness within. It should be grounding and enlightening. But times like this we sometimes form a distance or build a block. We loose our path and slowly feel like we lose that connection until we feel we dont have the energy or what it takes to traverse the wilderness to get back on track. We feel we become deaf to our intuition and the mundane takes over. That loss of connection can also cause more grief as we stop doing the things we once loved, See what I'm saying about it tending to get worse?

I hit that point, I felt disconnected from my practice even when I would try to make time for it. And it frustrated me so damn much that I wanted to make less and less time for it. BUT after a well needed talk and a reading with my Sister. (She's my other half. A part of my soul split in this lifetime) I realized I just needed to step away. Revamp my practice a bit. A Tower moment at its finest. Feeling as if everything had crumbled and there is nothing to do about it.... BUT... what a perfect time to rebuild. Often times the foundation is still there under all that "rubble". A foundation that is worth revisiting. A good time to check in with what got you here in the first place. The roots of your practice. The little voice in your head that you tend to shut out during times of chaos. Step away from the chaos and get a different perspective towards a new approach. Put down the books of how to's and what not to do's and listen to what that little voice says. I know it's often times easier to find inspiration and things to lean on in books from other peoples practices but now is a good time to have faith in your own intuition. Pull out old workings, old writings, old spreads, spells, art, all the things that remind you of the magic at the beginnings of your practice. Reconnect and reflect on these things. If you had chosen not to keep them just reflect and write down what they were. Then journal about your current favorite parts of your craft. The things that bring you interest now. The things that light a fire for you. This may be old things you haven't picked up in a while or things you have just held back on trying. Trust that inner guidance right now. Trust the process. Have your inspirations and interests changed? Have they evolved? Have you grown? Are there new ones? Take the things that create a spark in you and move them to the top of your list. Don't worry about if it sounds right, right away, or if it doesn't match your previous interests, line up with what you were previously doing, or if I doesn't match the books you have read. Scrap that nonsense and focus on that little voice inside. This is YOUR CRAFT. It is time to listen to it and rebuild your practice to what suits you now. Take the time to clean off your altars and working areas and move what is now at the top of your list into view. Put it out where it can call to you. Add cards, crystals, tools, pictures, even make a spell jar that correlates with this intention. This is a chance to reevaluate what matters now and build better connections with these parts of your practice, old and new. After big loses, changes, and deaths our mindsets tend to change. We have different needs, wants, and connections with things. It makes it a great time to check on our foundations before continueing to build or rebuildimg new structures. This refreshment should help spark a fire within. You may find new connections with old tools or find comfort and validation in using something you know so well it's fool proof. You could be in a place of complete rebirth giving you a new slate to work with that may now be more enticing. It sparks a newness that becomes invigorating to work with.

I did this myself. I took a bit to journal all the things that excited me in the beginning. I went over that list and kept what still rings true within my practice now. I released a lot of things that felt like chores to me. Things that I was learning or working with just to mark them off my list. But I didn't need that right now. I have more time in this life to revisit them. I needed what made me feel connected and inspired in my craft. The things that were calling to me but felt like I had other things to do first. The things I kept saying I'd get to but never did as they were not in my normal routine. I dropped all of that rigid thinking and asked myself what I really wanted to do. What my intuition was trying to tell me and what I really needed at the moment. And I moved that all to the forefront of my mind, my altar and my practice. I let the rest fall back for another time and place. As I did I found my intuition rising to the occasion and my creativity started flowing again. I picked up old tools and found a different and stronger connections with them. I felt emboldened and empowered again.

This is where the photo for this blog comes in. I picked up my Mom's tarot deck from the altar I built for her and decided it was time to connect with her since I had been neglecting to for a while now. I had tried previously but my connection felt faint and distant. I was too irritated with my current practice to even try to allow a connection to be made. But this time, after releasing some of the baggage I was forcing myself to do in my practice, I felt encouraged and connected... AND low and behold, mid shuffle, did her card pop out. Plopped right into my lap. The Queen of Cups. She always liked to show up at just the right time. Never too early, as to coddle me, yet not so late to make me suffer, BUT just at the right time when I have figured it out yet need the reassurance. The Queen of Cups also plays a role in this discussion. *Thanks Mom. She reminds us that even when taking care of others we need to check in with our own connections. She reminds us not to do things simply out of routine but to make sure we are doing what we love. What fills our cup so we are able to fill others. Are the things we are doing serving a purpose? Do we need to reflect and refresh our routines to make more sense for the chapter of life we are in now? Take the time to do that for yourself. A reflect and refresh may be all that you need. When all else fails I guess letting it burn to the ground and rising from the ashes is what needs to happen in order to find that spark and rebuild a new fire.

I hope this brings some insight, tips, tricks, or some relatable material in a time when you feel blocked in your practice. You're not alone, life waxes and wanes just as the Moon. As above so below. Allow your practice to do so as well. Give yourself room to grow. In order to grow we must out grow. Allow yourself this freedom to replant where you feel the most enlivened. You're free to do so! Remember it's YOUR CRAFT. Do it for you.

All the love,

Amber

Rhythm.Witch